published in Eastern Economist #421, February 26, 2002
It’s been fun getting into the swing of the 2002 VR election. The process, for one thing, seems a bit tidier than in the past. They actually made everybody wait until Feb. 9 before they could leave their starting posts.
Of course, the BS was flying fast and furious even before that. Those with media access didn’t have too much trouble getting around that limitation in a variety of ways. Some became sponsors for popular film programs, serials and other prime-time shows. Still others did “social advertising,” portraying everyday Ukrainians in their struggle to survive.
But I have to give it to them. The ways in which they are promoting themselves is slick. Take Mayor Omelchenko. He came out in a cool black-on-black outfit that very first day, at a Saturday night concert for teenagers and put the pitch for both St. Valentine and his party, Yednist. “Don’t forget those great virtues,” he declared: “Faith, Hope, Love – and Unity!” Unity, of course, being “yednist” in Ukrainian.
Patriotic fever has really overcome the political arena in Ukraine.
Yes, there are still the dinosaurs of the soviet past – the Communists, the Socialists, the Peasants, and a few permutations thereof.
And you have the post-independence nouveaux politiques – the Liberals, Republicans, Conservatives, and Social Democrats (in at least four incarnations). Most of them are buried in one electoral bloc or another – for now. Chances are, the day after the election we’re going to hear a massive chorus of “April Fool!” as the bloc leaders find themselves once again with only the five guys they started out with last fall. This may not be the Land of Opportunity, but it definitely is the land of opportunists when there’s an election in the wind.
And you have the flakes – two kinds of Greens [Zeleni], the Apples [Yabluko], the Rainbows [Raiduha], the New Generation, and Khoroshkovskiy’s Team of the Winter Generation. It’s hard to figure out whether he came down with Olympic fever, or whether he was just in a hurry to come up with a name before he landed in Washington two weeks ago. I say they should all join forces and call themselves the Rainbow of Winter Apples (new). They can even shorten it to ROWA(n).
Then there’s the “vanity” names. There was a short-lived Za Yushchenka bloc. Poor Viktor had to go and register his over-popular name, both as Yushchenko and as Viktor Yushchenko, to prevent any further abuse. Gosh, some other guy might have been happy to have such loyal fans. He might even have invited the keen-beans to join his bloc.
By contrast, Ukraine’s lady politicians have no qualms about the use of their names. The old Progressive Socialists have reinvented themselves as the Natalia Vitrenko Bloc. Their vocal leader once liked to call herself Konotopska vidma, after a witch in a Kotliarevskiy novel set in the town she comes from.
Once she realized the squeamish Mr. Yushchenko had filed for d*i*v*o*r*c*e, Yulia Tymoshenko, unbeloved of the energy sector oligarchs, decided to go for the gusto. She called her conglomerate of four parties the Yulia Tymoshenko Bloc and dared the boys to stop her. (For the record, I beg to differ with The Economist. Ms. Tymoshenko does not make “shrill” denunciations. Her voice is quite normal. Try using the word “aggressive.” Like you would for a man.)
There is a slew of vaguely philosophical names like Yednist [unity], Sobor [another kind of unity], and Za yedynu Ukrainu [for a unified Ukraine]. At least two of them have big egos at the top. The third one practices what it preaches and joined forces with several other parties.
There’s a clutch of special interest names: women of Ukraine, women for the future, Leftists for fairness, teachers, and Russians. Into this mix, I think I’d toss Mr. Haber’s party as a perfect counterpoint. It’s called, simply, Against Everyone. Together, these six could form a catchy bloc called Future Women Teachers Against Russia (fair). Alas, FWTAR(f) doesn’t make a very interesting acronym. But neither does SDPU(o).
Finally, you have the Nova Khvylia or New Wave of parties and blocs. These are the ones who are appealing to patriotism in a way that has not been seen before in Ukraine’s electoral process. The oldest of the lot, Batkivshchyna, is now part of the Tymoshenko bloc, along with three other parties. The most popular of the lot, Nasha Ukraina, includes three parties and a number of wannabes. The bloc with the most clout behind it is Za yedynu Ukrainu. It takes the prize for the most number of official parties, five – one for each of its heavyweight leaders.
After the names come the issues. Fortunately, I’ve been assiduously reading the papers and I’ve come up with the Top Ten Issues. Here they are revealed to you:
(1) Ukraïna, (2) the People, (3) the Truth, (4) victory at the polls, (5) jobs/higher pensions, wages, stipends, (6) the environment, (7) corruption, (8) children, (9) lower taxes, and (10) free healthcare and education.
A professional army just missed the list. Notably missing is anything to do with the sale of land. This is the issue the Communists were ready to burn down the legislature over. Now, nothing. Maybe they decided it’s better to buy in than to burn out.
So, putting it all together, I have a little all-purpose political statement that I hereby place in the public domain. If any of you decide to run for office, feel free to use it.
“If you want the Truth, I guarantee to raise pensions, wages, stipends. The fight against the corruption of our environment will reach our future children. A professional army will make short shrift of the bunch of oligarchs who promised a lot and didn’t do anything. I promise to do everything I do. Ukraïna, give me and the People victory at the polls.”
Good luck! And don’t forget: after the bloc elections come the bloc parties!
–from the notebooks of Pan O.
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