Lest the world think Ukraine is a slacker in the anti-terrorist coalition, I would like to inform you right here and now that Ukraine is putting in a noble effort.
First its officials had their hands full putting paid to a number of naughty teens trying to send mysterious substances through the Ukrainian mail. Turned out to be buckwheat.
Now it has its work cut out handling a young lady from Zaporizhzhia who has decided she would like to join Mr. Bin Laden’s harem.
The first reports on Ms Olena Solod surfaced in a Kyiv paper about a week ago. At first, it seemed that the 28-year-old had decided she wanted to be Mr. Bin Laden’s “double.” She went to the local ZAHS, where births, marriages and deaths are registered, and applied to have her name changed.
The head of the Kommunarsk District ZAHS, a Ms Viktoria Kuzmina, confirmed that Ms Solod had indeed applied to have her name, patronymic and family name changed and that the matter was being examined “according to our regulations.”
"What might that involve?"
“Well, we have 90 days to look into things before accepting or denying her application.”
" Is there a possibility her application will be accepted?"
“Well, we really can’t refuse an application without serious grounds.”
"Such as?"
“The police will check that she isn’t trying to evade an investigation by taking on a different name.”
"So the name she chooses to take on has no relevance."
“Not really,” said Ms Kuzmina, looking a titch uncomfortable. “We have no regulations governing that.”
"Yet, as far as I know, the ZAHS does interfere when people try to register their babies’ names. People are regularly told that this name or that name 'doesn’t exist.'"
Ms Kuzmina had no answer to that.
Meanwhile, seeing the effect her first announcement had, Ms Solod decided to make some more headlines. Having applied to become “Osama Bin Laden,” she now wanted to become “Ladena.” Gathering a coterie of top-notch journalists at the Café Cléopatra, she announced that she had sent a statement to the US and Pakistan embassies in Kyiv:
“I, Olena Valentynivna Solod, am applying to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, to the person of Mr. Zlenko. I request that you assist a citizen of Ukraine rather than occupying yourself with trivia such as giving work to a potential pensioner by the name of Y.H. Kartashov. I need your assistance in one matter: Given that the life of the leader of the Islamic world, Osama Bin Laden, is in grave danger, please assist me in obtaining the frozen sperm of Bin Laden for artificial insemination. Even in the event that Bin Laden is physically destroyed, I want my son, born of Osama Bin Laden, to carry on his father’s business. If my pregnancy is successful, I will make every effort to take citizenship in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, so that I might become the next lawful wife of Bin Laden. I also intend to take my two small daughters to Afghanistan with me, so that, with time they, too, might become the young wives of Bin Laden.
“During the term of my pregnancy, I promise not to smoke, drink, use drugs, or to have sexual relations with my current husband, so that there can be no doubt as to the genes of this child. Dec. 21-26 are the most auspicious days for me to conceive.
“Thanking you in advance, Olena V. Solod, the future Osama Bin Laden.”
Apparently, Mr. Solod is not too happy about the situation, but he’s used to it. He and his wife already had plenty of kids of their own, says the missus.
"Weren’t there just two daughters?"
“That’s now. But he had kids from his first wife… and probably from a mistress or two, too.”
"How’s he going to feel when he can’t enjoy life with his wife for nine months after your historical conception?"
“Oh, I told you already,” smiling, “he’s used to it…”
"How about you, won’t you find yourself jealous?"
“Oh, I’m quite prepared to live in a harem. I’m pretty sociable by nature and I’m sure I’ll find a way to get along with the other women.”
In the meantime, Ms Solod wrote another letter to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, requesting that she be accepted as official ambassador of the Taliban to Ukraine and that her apartment be designated an embassy:
“Furthermore, I request that I be granted diplomatic immunity and that my correspondence, phone conversations and person be declared immune as ambassador. Please also register as official transport of the embassy a Moskvych-412 model car, arrange to issue me diplomatic plates, and set up security at the embassy building. The embassy’s press corps will be tasked to supply accurate information about Afghanistan. The embassy further plans to set up a Fund for the Support of Children of Afghanistan to provide humanitarian aid.”
The letter concluded: “The embassy is already operating, even without official confirmation.”
Curiously, the lady behind this truly original campaign has made no attempt to hide the fact that she has long intended to run for the legislature. In the Verkhovna Rada, this “Zaporizhzhian-Afghan” hopes to be able to express her “if not terroristic, then at least aggressive” feelings towards the Communists, “especially the likes of [leader] Petro Symonenko, who owns the Ilich Steelworks [in Mariupol] and leaks all that steel across the border.”
It wasn’t clear, though, just how this charming young lady intended to apply for a spot in Bin Laden’s harem – from her seat in the legislature? One thing’s certain, that she’s going for a first-past-the-posts district, since at least three of Ukraine’s parties will definitely keep her off their lists: the CPU, the Party of Fans of Women, and the Patriotic Party - whose local branch is run by none other than the long-suffering Mr. Solod. In publicizing her whims, though, perhaps the lady doth express too much. •
–from the notebooks of Pan O, with a little help from Ukraina Moloda and UNIAN.
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