published in Eastern Economist #419, February 12, 2002
One of the most memorable characters from Laugh-In, a 1970s comedy show, was Lily Tomlin’s Ernestine. Ernestine was a buck-toothed woman with a horsey snicker who sat at a switchboard at The Telephone Company. Whenever callers complained about something, her answer was, “We don’t care. We don’t have to (snicker, snicker). We’re The Telephone Company.”
Ernestine is the epitome of bureaucratic hell. And her cousins seem to have been answering phones in Ukraine since way back.
Just getting information has been a form of water-torture. Our office does a lot of gathering of information of all kinds. That means people spend lots of time on the phone trying to persuade other people to part with that information.
Some of it’s factual as in “What’s the name of the boss of company X?” If you read “Who Owns Ukraine?” last week, you’ve got some pretty good answers to that. And some idea why it’s not a simple question.
Some of the information is statistical, such as “How many companies in sector Y turned a profit last year?”
It used to be that you could get economic data from at least seven different bodies. There was the ministry that ran the specific sector, of course. MinEcon, MinFin, the Industrial Policy Ministry, the Cabinet of Ministers, the Premier’s Office, and even the Presidential Administration also tried their hand at massaging numbers. With as many different results. Last, but not least, there was Ukraine's official statistics agency, DerzhKomStat.
One time an associate had a connection in a state enterprise department from whom she needed some information.
“Hello, this is So-and-so, department manager of Company X. I need some information for a report on–”
“I’m not going to give you any information,” said the man. “I don’t know anything and I don’t deal with this.” Click!
Another associate tried a contact at MinEcon.
“Hello, may I speak to So-and-so?”
“He’s not around.”
The next day he was told the person was on a business trip, so he tried a different contact in the same department. The second person was also away – on the same business trip.
He called a third contact.
“I need to get some information, Serhiy, but your website doesn’t have it.”
“Yeah, it’s not very up-to-date. Sorry I can’t help you. My job is public relations for MinEcon.”
“But isn’t this part of PR?”
“Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to deal with it.” Click!
A couple of days later, the same associate was walking down the street when a car honked at him. Out jumped out a man whom he didn’t recognize.
“Don’t you remember me? We rode on the train together from Ternopil last spring.”
Turned out the guy worked in a ministry and the subject got around to – getting information. “Call me any time!” he said. “I’ll be happy to help you. Just tell me what you need and I’ll do what I can to get it for you.”
Nowadays statistics are consolidated under one roof, at the agency whose raison-d’être is statistics. So we’ve been turning to DerzhKomStat more.
“Hello, I’m from Company X and I need some information.”
“Sorry, we can’t help you right now. Call back next week.”
The associate tried calling a manager listed on their website.
“Hello, etc, I need information.”
“What kind of information?”
“Some regional indicators.”
“Why are you calling me for this?”
“You’re listed as the regional manager.”
“I don’t deal with this kind of thing. Besides, we only do this for money.”
“Can I meet with you to explain what I need. That way you can decide whether or not you can help me.”
“No, you can’t. I’m too busy. Call my deputy.” Click!
Sofia, his deputy, was somewhat more forthcoming.
“Send us a written request. It’ll be reviewed in a week or two. In about a month, you’ll get your information for free. But even if you pay, it’ll take at least a week.”
“If we pay you more, will it be any faster?”
“Not really.”
Things are looking up, though. The other day, someone called a regional sector management department.
“Hello, this is so-and-so from Company x. May I speak to Ivan Poshpishailo?”
“This is Pospishailo. How can I help you?”
“Can you give us an idea of companies that are state- and private-owned in your sector?”
“No problem.”
“I also need to know if they’re profitable or not.”
“No problem, I can fax that you that as well. Is there anything else?”
“No, that’ll do. Thanks for your help.”
“Not at all.”
What about filing complaints, the classic Ernestine-detector?
If it’s something in your neighborhood, the local police department says the procedure is simple. Just gather signatures from people in your building who feel the same and write a formal complaint to the dilnychiy militsioner or district police chief. It doesn’t sound like individual residents can lodge a complaint. Could be their way of eliminating cranks. In any case, they promise that the police will look into the matter to resolve it.
If you’re having problems with anything in your own apartment and your Zhek – the residential services bureau – is unresponsive, the City of Kyiv actually has a residential emergency service. Just dial 057. It’s billed as a number for “all problems in the home,” water, gas, heating, electricity and so on. A friend of mine swears by it.
“We had a really unresponsive Zhek. Once it was power outtages, the other time it was leaking water. So I tried this number. They registered my complaint very courteously and took care of it within a few hours.”
In other words, I’m happy to report, Ernestine’s Ukrainian cousins seem to be going into retirement. •
–from the notebooks of Pan O.
No comments:
Post a Comment