RC#3: Passion, Pysanka & Punting

published in Eastern Economist #377, April 29, 2001
Last week, we left the Easter pageant at its early stages, with the Sanhedrin demanding a miracle and Yulia Magdalene looking for a leader of men. As the story unfolds, first there was the celebration of the Resurrection, April 15, when the president, premier and speaker trekked, along with an entourage of hangers-on, to the midnight Easter service at four different Kyiv churches. Mr. Kuchma confessed to feeling somewhat otherworldly, while Mr. Yushchenko remarked how much he was banking on his “father.” Then – remember this is Ukraine, where things don’t always follow the usual order – came the trial and crucifixion, with father, son and speaker each playing their roles to the hilt.

It was now for the accused to make his plea before the Supreme Council. A number of Apostles had got together and collected 3mn palm branches from the faithful, which they stacked in boxes before the podium like a barricade to protect Mr. Yushchenko against possible attackers. Reporting on the various miracles that had taken place in the country during the previous year, including the healing of the unpaid and the feeding of the retired, Mr. Yushchenko spoke with calm and dignity and showed that the promises he and his followers had made had all been largely kept. He seemed to have understood that his father would not take this cup away. Even many foreign observers admitted that more than one miracle had indeed taken place in Ukraine at last, although they were still very skeptical about giving any shekels to rebuild the country’s temples.

At this point, the floor was opened and all the homeboys, leaders of factions and chairs of committees rose to speak. Karmazin the Fighter growled angrily: “This Government report does not include the fight against organized crime. Ukraine must repent, repent, repent.” A few oligarchs could be seen beating their breasts with one hand while crossing their fingers on the other. Udovenko the Ugly growled back: “Those who are against the Government are trying to get back into the soviet fold.” “Hear, hear!” shouted the peanut gallery. Zinchenko the TV Mogul howled, glaring up at them: “But this Government has done nothing to support freedom of speech!” A mass of mobile phones and beepers began to bang rhythmically on tables throughout the session hall. The gallery broke out in hisses and boos. “Order, order,” cried Pliushch the Speaker. Kononov the Green shrilled: “All of you are only thinking in terms of industrial society. We Greens favor a post-industrial society and I demand that the Government act on this.” Goshovska the SocPol sneered: “Sure, you paid the pensioners and fed the state workers on only 15 hryvnia, but what about statistics and indicators. In my books, raising one man from the dead isn’t enough to fix the country’s terrible life expectancy rates!” But when Vitrenko the Vitriolic tried to open her mouth, the speaker finally shouted, “Shut up! You’ve been sick for too long. You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

The verdict of the rabble was not long in coming. Crucify him, said 283 voices two days later. At that, a plump brunette suddenly threatened self-immolate, spilling gasoline over herself. A gallant bystander stopped her – although it turned out she had no matches anyway. “Down with the speaker!” 226 angry deputies now demanded, as Mr. Yushchenko was led away, obviously in great pain. The question is: will the father sacrifice the son, or will he rescue him at the last minute? Stay tuned for the next episode.


As if to counterbalance that national hate-in going on among the boys in Ukraine’s legislature, the buxom Ruslana Pysanka decided apply a woman’s touch. She decreed a love-in at the Park nightclub on April 20. Since the politicos were having their say on all kinds of important issues like who hadn’t got keys to the Cabinet bathrooms and why the premier had a corner office and Mr. Zinchenko did not, the popular weather anchor invited Ukrainian men to come prepared to perorate about love at this Kyiv hot-spot. As the sole judge of this impromptu contest, Ms. Pysanka is she who must be pleased. It might be more helpful of Ms. Pysanka, though, to play she who must be appeased. Perhaps she could enter the parliament in her role as the witch from Ogniem i mieczem and strike a little healthy fear into the hearts of those little men instead.


When headlines began to scream that the US had granted political asylum to Maj. Mykola Melnychenko and to the family of missing journalist Georgiy Gongadze, many readers might be forgiven in thinking that the US was indeed “interfering” in the domestic affairs of Ukraine. The Foreign Ministry even called the decision by the INS “not in the spirit of partnership,” since Melnychenko is being charged with high treason at home. But asylum is granted upon application by a foreign citizen for refugee status – and the charge of high treason itself would seem to be proof positive that Melnychenko would be persecuted in Ukraine…
When she left with her two little daughters for Poland, Myroslava Gongadze told a Kiyevskiye Vyedomosti correspondent at Boryspil airport: “I’m leaving Ukraine for good.” Meanwhile, Lesia Gongadze was telling reporters: “My daughter-in-law’s in Poland for a rest. She’s got a return ticket.” Apparently Myrosia didn’t let her mother-in-law know she was running away from home…
The other day korespondent.net reported that Swiss police are investigating an account opened by third persons in the name of Melnychenko. Within a month, US $1mn made its way into the account from a US bank. Hey, boys, our account number is #1235-567-8-90 at the credit union on Chicago Avenue. We’d settle for half of that amount if you can get it there by Friday. •

–Pan O’s laundry ladies*
* The notebooks of Pan O are almost dry and parts are already being deciphered. Stay tuned!