RC#1: Revolving & Revolting

from Eastern Economist #375, April 8, 2001
The term “dizzy blonde” took on new meaning this week in Ukraine – only the blonde in question was hardly at fault if her head swam a little by the time it was all over. No doubt the national news audience also felt a little as though they had got themselves caught in a haywire revolving door. Yulia Tymoshenko, Ukraine’s heroine-in-waiting, found herself released from the Lukianivka Prison in central Kyiv by the Pechersk District Court on Mar. 27, 2001. The Prosecutor General protested the decision and late in the evening on Mar. 30, Ms. T was summarily hauled back in when the ruling was overturned by the Kyiv Municipal Court. The ink had barely dried again, when the Supreme Court overruled this ungalant move and Ms. T was released once again. Like a good cycle in a spin-washer, maybe this experience will count as a turn in purgatory and remove a little of the mud that has attached itself to Ms. T over the years…

But lest rank-and-file Ukrainians start to feel some sympathy for the former president of Unified Energy Systems of Ukraine, UT-1, Mr. Kuchma’s own television channel – “own” in the sense that, as the first state channel it clearly toes the Administration line – was quick to insert a spin of its own in the evening news. When she was originally arrested Feb. 13, Ms. T was recovering from the flu at her dacha and a doctor accompanied the warrant officer to make sure she wasn’t faking things. Of course, while in prison, like any proper Ukrainian inmate, Yulia was allowed to receive “care packages” of food and other goodies from the outside. But wait, folks! This lady was not getting your ordinary list of basic food groups from her babusia – brinza and salo with a side of black bread. SHE, our intrepid UT-1 reporter was quick to emphasize, was brought exotic things like – gasp! – kiwi and avocado and condensed milk. To the average western expat, this may not ring any bells, as all kinds of exotic hothouse items have been available year-round for decades. But for former soviet citizens who were not Party elite, these three items represent behind-the-counter deals with special connections as they were usually “v defitsiti” – that haunting phrase for shortages that as often as not extended to soap and toilet paper. As if that were not enough to forever condemn the hoity-toity Ms. T before the proletariat, the camera then showed her testifying in court that she could not eat anything. So-o-o, Ms T. is not only a spekulantka, but an out-and-out liar, seems to be the message from UT-1.

Which may or may not be why a number of people are very hot and bothered about that same national TV channel. Premier Yushchenko restricted himself to an appeal to the president to fire the channel’s boss, Oleksandr Dolganov. Flamboyant ex-Kiyevskiye Vyedomosti owner, Deputy Mykhailo Brodskiy played the knight errant, declaring that he would take the station’s studios by storm and not budge from the place until Dolganov was fired. Perhaps realizing he would miss his kiwis and avocados, the portly Brodskiy soon changed his mind and gave the channel seven days’ notice of impending seige instead…

Not too concerned about Ms. T or avocados, President Kuchma was busy this week making astonishing proclamations that undoubtedly sent tremors of fear through international financing institutions. “We should learn to live without the IMF,” he announced, “although relations with Fund are important for Ukraine’s credibility in the world.” Therefore, the president declared as a thousand scribes wrote down his words, “I shall no longer veto any economic laws. Up until now, the president has been used as the bad guy by the government. I’m putting an end to this. From now on,” he warned a shocked Verkhovna Rada, “I’m going to sign all your bills into law and you’re going to have to live with the consequences. That’s the way it ought to be.” Could that be the faint sound of corks popping somewhere in bowels of the VR cafeteria?

Or perhaps Mr. K was simply recognizing the inevitable as the VR finally passed a new Criminal Code. This mothballs the decrepit old soviet Code, which dates from 1961 and, much like Microsoft Word, has been continually kludged by amendment, to the point that it, too, resembled nothing more than spaghetti code. The biggest news here is that Ukraine has decided that the Council of Europe does matter after all: the death penalty has been abolished in favor of life sentences. What’s more important to the rising class of Nouveau Russkies is that the confiscation of property will now be used only in cases of “serious” crime. That means that those who siphoned billions of dollars’ worth of oil and gas needn’t worry that their mansions in Koncha Zaspa are at risk. But woe betide those who dare trample the president’s flowers at the Shevchenko monument: they’d better kiss their Ladas and their .06-hectare country plots good-bye. The other guys will only have to worry about fines and penalties – and let’s face it, 100 minimum monthly incomes is not too big of a fine for a boy who brings home the bacon from one of Ukraine’s dirty steel mills or a commercial bank. But one ex-vice premier may be glad to hear that a little correctional work for petty crimes is supposed to replace the pre-trial detention that is the current practice. Perhaps Ms. T will now have to clean out the loos at Privatbank?

–Pan O’s laundry ladies*
* The notebooks of Pan O accidentally found their way into our washing machine. Best estimates are that it’ll take about three weeks to blow dry the pages and decipher his missives. Sorry.