RC#2: Confession, Crucifixion & Cosmic Celebration

published in Eastern Economist #376, April 15, 2001
Chystiy Chetver or Holy Thursday is historically the night of the Last Supper, when Christ followed old Jewish traditions and washed the feet of all his Apostles. In Rome, the Pope ritually cleanses the feet of select people in St. Peter’s; in most of Ukraine, it’s clean-up time in preparation for Velikden, the Great Day of the Resurrection. With all the Paschal holy days converging this year, though, not just Ukrainian housewives seem to have gone on a spring cleaning binge. Some high-profile spiritual cleansing has hit the headlines as well.
In Cherkasy, all the faiths got together – Christians Catholic, Orthodox and Mormon, Muslims, Buddhists – and confessed. A bit of salo during Lent, a little hanky-panky on the spring break, a bit of pork shashlyk at a neighbor’s wedding, and a deliberately squashed cockroach were the top sins of the day, according to a church insider. The Baptist’s head priest knew just how to get the faithful in the mood: “Ukraine is full of sins!” he thundered. “We must confess regularly to cleanse this country!” “Amen!” the ecumenical congregation thundered back.
Nor did this message fall on deaf ears: the Government in Kyiv went clean by holding a public confessional at Budynok Vchytelia – no doubt in preparation for the crucifixion it expects to face on April 17 in the Verkhovna Rada.

Meanwhile, Ukraine’s own Easter drama continued to unfold. Like the turncoat Judas and weak-kneed Peter, the same deputies who eagerly formed a pro-reform majority last spring are now showing just how little faith they have in their chosen leader, as they all rushed to nail the Government on Apr. 19. Already 238 signatures have been collected on a draft VR motion to exercise a vote of non-confidence and registered in the VR secretariat. Unsurprisingly, 112 Communists joined the rightist oligarchs in forming a bloc to vote Viktor Yushchenko and his team out. The question is, what will resurrect reform in Ukraine if this comes to pass…
Indeed, at that very moment, Mr. Yushchenko was in Moscow facing Pilate Kasyanov, his Russian counterpart. The negotiation marathon went on for seven non-stop hours. On the table was a better deal with Russia on gas debts and the sale of imported Ukrainian pipes.
“My wife had a dream that you were a man to be reckoned with,” said Pilate. Mr. Yushchenko remained silent.
“If he is king of the Ukrainians, let him show us a miracle,” retorted Caiphas Viakhiriev, the squat head of the Gazprom temple, waving a fat finger at the tall, dark and handsome Ukrainian. “Let him pay his bills without access to our markets!”
Viakhiriev then called for a thorny 40% duty on all imported Ukrainian pipes over the current limit, so that his own temples would not face serious threats from any upstart temples to the south.
“We want a miracle!” howled the Russian steel barons.
“Show us a miracle,” sneered the Russan press.
While Mr. Yushchenko was facing his own trials, Mary Magdalene Tymoshenko was fending off persistent rumors that she wanted to replace the head of the Sanhedrin. Having herself only recently been released from prison, she was quick to do damage control.
“These stories are false and are simply aimed at splitting the Apostles,” she said with a toss of her glorious mane. “If there is a leader who will do good to my country and its people, I shall follow that man and his organization to the ends of the earth. I’ll even wash their linens.”
When asked who she thought this man might be, the Magdalene replied, “For me, it’s not important who he is, just that he be tall, dark and handsome and a true leader of men.” Clearly, this is one woman who is content to be the power behind the throne. Only it’s not clear that Rome is interested in there being a Ukrainian throne.
In the meantime, perhaps the world can look forward to seeing Ms. Tymoshenko wash someone’s feet with her hair…

Another cosmic event was celebrated on Holy Thursday: the 40th anniversary of Yuri Gagarin’s venture as the first human in space on April 12, 1961. When asked with whom they might venture into space, Ukraine’s political folks had put a new spin on the concept of shuttle diplomacy:
“With a nice girl,” said the sly Leonid Kravchuk, a former president and SDPU(o) member.
“With my party mates like Sharov and Derkach. We’d make a great team!” beamed the bearded Dmytro Tabachnyk, a former Chief-of-Staff and member of Trudova Ukraina.
“With Bilka and Strilka [two soviet dogs who flew in space] – they know the way back to earth,” said well-grounded Green Party member Ihor Gavrilov.
“If I fly into space, I’d like to come back to a cleaner earth,” noted independent Oleksandr Yeliashkevich. “That means I’d have to take away so many people that there wouldn’t be any space in the shuttle.”
“Why go into space?” retorted the ever-pragmatic Viktor Pynzenyk, head of Reformy i poryadok. “I’d rather stay on the solid earth.” •

–Pan O’s laundry ladies*
* The notebooks of Pan O, which accidentally found their way into our washing machine, are in the process of being dried and a scribe has been hired to decipher his notes. Earliest estimates are two weeks.